journey to the heart

just click on each picture to get better preview and more description, comments welcomed.

enjoy the view of my favourites run away destination. this is a goodbye visit, cause i no longer run into this place anymore. i run no more

promise

this i promise

I ve been thinking a lot lately, and i found out that i already made a lot of mistakes. at the time i should make action i do nothing, and at the time that i shouldnt do anything i do something, and its confuse me actually. i am being selfish at the time i should not and being not selfish at the time i should

it is the time that i should make a change, a decision and stand for the consequences. this i promise :

i promise i will change my habit of evading making choices, because i realize life is about a choice and decide. so i decide

i promise to stand and fight and not running away from what i want, cause all this time i always running

i promise that life is going to be well planned (not going to change the “free flow mechanisme” i used to have) but well at least i had to plan my life now… time is tickin and i hadnt make one of my dreams come true……………….its time to chase a dream

God help me

despair

my mind wandering

i am here

but i am not here

empty

empty

empty ……………………..

now i am standing

in the land of nothingness, at the edges of my sanity

sadness comes by and say hi

despair cuddleing me in my sleep

nightmare, despair

despair

despair

despair

and i woke up screaming realize that i am not sleeping

letter to my God

Dear God

Dear God who always listen, sorry its been a frickin long long time since i talk to you, it’s been a while since i listen to your voice… i need you know.

I know that i am not believe in any of your religion, but still i believe in you, God (we already discuss about this in our last conversation right? don’t nag and drag me along with voices inside my head again will you? i believe we already made conclusion about this). i am in the confusion this time my dear God, will you help me? will you listen to me? will you saved me this time? am I to lost to be saved , my dearest God?

I know i loved someone with all of my heart, but i can’t make it happend based on the circumstances that You already knew God ( You knew right?).

i really want her to be mine but still thats would be a problem. shes willing to be mine, but it’s not that easy God.

even if You knew how much i want her (maybe only You who knew), cause i believe she didn’t know how much I loved her, i never express and communicate about this feeling in good manner (you know me God, i am suck at this communicating and expressing my feeling)

i can not lie to you, that my heart hurts so much when she left me (damned, its still hurt until now)

Dear God, can You please show me the way, pleeeasseeeee

can you make this things much more easier, cause i can not handle it anymore,

hear my serenity prayer God

God Grant me

The serenity to accept things that I can not change

The courage to change things that I can change

And a Wisdom to know the difference

Please help me, God

show me the way, enlight me with Your light

all the lies i ever told

Don’t know what i’m running from

But I know what i don’t want to become

something grow up inside of me

the scars that remain and run deep inside this hearts of mine,

can you forgive me for what you have done

embrace sorrowness inside of me, embrace me

this what i become, baricade my hearts with fire in the horizon

and all the lies that i ever told, vowed upon your heart

and this hearts now empty and stained

and everytime i turn only to find anger and despair

left alone within this emptiness

i am not what i am before

trap in a dream within a dream

i can not hate nor love no more

empty

despair

inside

a confession to make

something missing inside of me and i can not describe it very well.. though i try to spoke it out but my tongues swollen, so ill write it

i am a jerk,

yes i realize that. no need to remind me bout that, but thanks to remind me anyway

i dont do commitment very well

as far as i know i am afraid of commitment ( not being denial on this fact) but sometimes i feel like i’ve been chooked and strangled with commitment. when i commit myself to something or someone i just dont do that very well, things are messed up eventually. but i said i am afraid of commitment didnt mean that i can not make a commitment right?

i am not a good decision maker

sometimes i got hold on to decide not to decide what i had to decide and mostly i am agree not to agree with myself. but wtf, you said i am dominant so i change.i dont want to handle that consequence of being blamed and responsible for the decision that screw things up

i am selfish

so what? try not to be selfish in some part of my life before and what i got? peoples shit on my face, their grinning thankless smiles haunted me everytime. and who said that i did not change, i change, hell yeah i change . i am sick of peoples who using me like that, sick and tired of doing things for other and being left alone when you need someone. thats the reason why i am what i am now

damn i hate myself of being selfish, uncommitted and most off all …. being a jerk

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,…………………….,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dont walk in front of me cause i might not follow

dont walk behind me, cause i dont know the way that i would lead the journey into

dont walk beside me cause i might not be a good companion for you

so why dont we just sit here and seize the moment

look at that blue sky hanging upthere that provide us with their serenity

feel the warmth of the sunshine, feel the breeze of wind beneath our skin

enjoy life and being alive

pindah kosan (continued)

but whats the different anyway? oh ya. i am going to move to another kost kost an….. knapa coba?

1. kosanku yang sekarang jauh banget dari kantor, dan aku terbiasa bangun kesiangan, jadiiiiii akibatnya sering terlambat ngantor
2. thanks to presiden esbeye yang berniat pasti naikin harga Be Be Em jadiiiiiiiiiiii, harus lebih berhemat… mengingat salary ku sekarang ngga segede dulu lagi dan tanggungan yang makin banyak
3. bicara soal tanggungan, bulan ini anakku tersayang mau masuk sekolah dan mau tau ngga? ternyata biaya masuk sd tuh sekarang jauuuuuuhhhhh lebih mahal daripada biaya kuliahku dulu… oleh karena itu harus membuat beberapa penghematan terstruktur. program pengencangan ikat pinggang dimulai yang artinya ngga ada lagi acara nongkrong di kuta every week end (good bye center stage, good bye apache T_T , good bye nongkrong di warnet ber jam jam dan ngga ada lagi hanging around di warung kopi langgananku)
4. nah karena harga be be em mau naik,,,,, kayanya lebih baik mulai dari sekarang dibiasakan naik kendaraan tanpa be be em,,,singkatnya aku berencana beli sepeda gunung aja buat kendaraan operasional ke kantor…istilah kerennya bike to work ato green aktivist padahal kenyataan sih karena terpaksa bukan karena peduli climate change……karena ngga mampu beli bensin dan motor sewaanku itu mau aku balikin ke yang punya
5. harga kosanku yang sekarang mulai terasa mahal..karena adanya tuntutan kebutuhan yang lain itu oleh karena itu maka aku harus pindah kosan, ketemu juga sih kosan yang lumayan dan bersih dengan harga paket hemat cuman 275rb jauh lebih murah dari kosanku sekarang……

(piew gunung agung dari atep kosanku, sayang tuh tiang listrik ngalangin pemandangan….one day i will get rid off that tiang listrik!)

lokasi woww indah banget …… di daerah jalur hijau di kesiman denpasar (entah gimana caranya si yang punya kosan bisa bangun bangunan permanen di jalur hijau yang harusnya bebas dari bangunan permanen).udaranya seger banget serasa hidup ditengah kampung.. lah emang kenyataannya kosanku yang baru itu emang diapit sawah dan kebon jagung koq, kalo malam suara jangkrik terdengar nyaring banget dan bonusnya serangga malam pasti bakalan banyak (artinya kudu siap penangkal serangga). dari atap kosanku yang baru diwaktu pagi atau sore hari bisa keliatan gunung agung yang gagah menjulang, kalau cuaca mendukung loh ya……………,artinya ngga ada mendung dan langit cukup cerah.

rencananya besok mau bersih bersih kosan yang baru, terus hunting sepeda gunung terus hunting alas tidur dan lemari……capek pastinya dan yang pasti its not my usual week end routinity, where i can sleep all day and do nothing

lanjutin bacanya

HEADACHE

kpalaaaku pusing banget hari ini, ngga tau knapa akhir akhir ini aku sering banget terserang pusing yang tiba tiba dan menyakitkan, ngga lama sih cuman tetep aja …sakitnya itu loh

dan yang paling parah dari keluhan ini adalah, aku mandeg nulis lagi.. bukan karena ngga pengen nulis……pengen banget nulis yang bagus dan didasari riset kaya dulu dulu lagi, tapi koq ya gimanaaaaaaaaa gitu

i think i need a vacation. a good one.terakhir kali liburan kapan ya? waduhhhh lupa tuh

by the way anyway bus way, dirimu kapan terakhir liburan yang “bener bener” liburan?

just a game

The rule of the game :

1. The first article title on the Wikipedia Random Articles page is the name of your band.
2. The last four words of the very last quotation on the Random Quotations page is the title of your album.
3. The third picture in Flickr’s Interesting Photos From The Last 7 Days will be your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result.

Saya menggunakan Corel photo paint untuk mengedit gambar. dan hasilnya adalah :

ke utara bersama malam

hari itu akhirnya aku berhasil melarikan diri dari sebuah rutinitas kerja yang hampir membunuh akal sehatku. aku selesaikan kerja lebih cepat dan pergi meninggalkan gerbang kaca dunia kerja, dan akupun melangkah menyusuri jalan jalan kota ini dengan satu tujuan………lari dari kota ini

kususuri jalan gatot subroto yang berdebu dan makin sumpek dengan kendaraan yang berlalu lalang, bahkan disepotong jalan timbunan lumpur kering sisa sisa pembangunan sebuah ruko sudah mengering dan membuat jalan hotmix yang harusnya halus menjadi bopeng bopeng dan sangat tidak mengenakkan untuk dijalani, trotoar jalan dipenuhi manusia yang mengais rejeki dari mereka yang lewat.

waktu terus berlalu dan aku terus berjalan kulewati satu dua banjar dan desa yang semakin hingar bingar ditelan jaman, melewati ratusan wajah wajah yang semakin tidak ramah. kususuri jalan melewati beberapa kenangan yang mungkin dulu pernah terjadi dan menjadi mimpi.